Kat’s Story
Kat, age 32
United Kingdom
PSSD for 10 years
When I was 22 I went to my GP with a low mood. I’d been feeling tearful for a few weeks and with the final year of my degree looming I was feeling a little overwhelmed. I’d never taken antidepressants and never really thought about them before. I wasn’t sure I even needed medication for the moderate and short term depression I was experiencing, but when my GP immediately prescribed Citalopram with no discussion of any other options, and a passing comment about how safe and commonly perscribed this type of medication was, I took the prescription with no concerns and a ‘may as well see if it helps’ attitude.
I’d taken 2 pills over 2 days, and not thought much about it - I hadn’t thought they were helping yet, but I knew it would be a few weeks until they had their full effect, so I wasn’t surprised. I was having sex - I was about a year into a steady relationship - and almost immediately realised I wasn’t enjoying it at all. I kept thinking that I would get into it soon, but after carrying on forever I realised it wasn’t going to happen. I just felt cold. It was strange, because I’d never had any problems before - I’d always enjoyed sex and orgasmed easily - even when I had been feeling low. Over the next few weeks I realised I couldn’t have an orgasm at all, and being touched/touching myself felt like nothing - like being touched through 100 layers of clothes - with no sexual feelings at all, no butterflies, warmth, pleasure, excitement, tension, and certainly no chance of an orgasm. No different to someone touching your elbow is the best way I can think to describe it.
I realised it must be the pills (the leaflet does say sexual side effects) so I stopped taking them shortly after, and assumed that when the pills were out of my system in a few weeks, everything would go back to normal, but nothing at all changed.
As the months and years went on, my libido and mental sexual responses faded away in addition to the physical side of things - having previously been excited by the opposite sex, I would now see someone attractive and feel nothing. I could watch sex scenes in movies or pornography and it was no different to watching the news. An attitude I’ve been faced with is ‘it’s just sex’, but although the death of my sex drive is the most obvious side effect, along with this my spark for life and all other drive and pleasures I previously felt also faded away. My desire to go out, socialise, meet people, to push forward my career and achieve things, have all vanished. Everything felt empty and anything that had once given me pleasure - music, socialising, drinking, sex - it truly all felt no different to sitting on the sofa and staring into space. Now I have learnt more about neurotransmitters and our reward systems, the links between these pleasurable activities and sex are clear.
I am now 32. Over the last 10 years I have learned new ways of forcing my body to have an orgasm, but it is nearly entirely unpleasurable - like tightening your hand into a fist and then releasing it - there is no pleasurable build up and I feel the relief but no pleasure goes with it. And the kind of stimulation I require to even feel this is so intense and specific that a partner could never make this happen, though I wouldn’t particularly want them to, as it’s 95% pleasureless anyway and usually just ends in frustration. My relationships have been difficult - partners struggle not to take my unenjoyment of sex personally, and I struggle to go through the motions just to please them. Eventually my partners end up feeling like just close friends, because without sexual attraction, even a kiss or hand hold feels awkward and difficult.
I have gone to GPs since, with more severe depression, but when I have explained that I don’t want to take SSRIs, they are unable to offer me any alternatives. They repeatedly tell me that SSRIs are safe, one of the safest medications, and that the side effects I’ve had are likely a side effect of my depression rather than the medication. Of course I know this isn’t true - this huge change in the way my brain works was caused almost overnight - by two pills. As a result of my refusal to take more SSRIs I have gone through some severe periods of depression without the help of medication. As I said to my doctor, and truly meant, I would rather kill myself than take SSRIs again - the idea of permanently damaging my brain any further terrifies me. I have spent thousands of pounds buying supplements and medication online, to try and fix what these pills have caused, but with no luck. It is really hard to accept that there is no known fix to something that was so easily and quickly broken. I have been hopeful for the last 10 years, but the more I learn about PSSD and neurology, the more I realise that even experts have no idea why this has happened, and currently have no idea how to fix it. I’m slowly trying to accept that maybe I will always be like this, robbed of sex and relationships and life’s excitement and full pleasures, but it feels so, so very unfair as I constantly wonder what my life would be if I hadn’t take those few pills 10 years ago.